Thursday, May 29, 2008

He's The Reason For The Teardrops On My Guitar

For as long as I can remember. I've never been honest with myself. My feelings and everything that comes with it. I've never said 'Yes and No' like what my mind feels. I've never said 'I hate you' like I mean it. I've never said what I thought if it's too rude. Im either too nice or just plain stupid. I've been told that im being stupid and a fool for letting people get their way while I curse at them in my head.

I have no idea why I am who I am. I always feel mad,angry,frustrated,tense. And all I ever do is shut my mouth and say what people want to hear. "Im sorry","Im fine","Im ok","it's nothing". Then i'd feel like screaming. To just scream. SCREAM. Until my throat is hoarse. Until I lose my breath. Until I feel light. But I've never tried. I've tried to yell. A pitiful attempt to scream. To just let it go. To feel ok again. But it never works. And then I'll tell myself,just breathe in and breathe out. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. And those things that makes me mad,angry,frustrated and tense,they stay in me. It never goes away. It's driving me crazy. Even if someone tells me "I hope you have an accident and die." I'd answer,"Me too." Because despite my attempts to be strong and independent.. Im not. All I want to do is give up. To scream and cry until I cant anymore.

Confession : I dont know if I love him anymore. I used to put him on a pedestal. I admire him. For the things he believes in. For who he is. I never thought being me is something he doesnt approve of. Being different from what he believes in makes me the one who's always wrong. I thought he was the most wonderful thing. Rough around the edges but yet,beautiful as a person. Now.. I realize that Im never good enough. I was never on a pedestal in his eyes. He loves me. Yes. But love.. is not wonderful. It's just painful. Did I stay because he was my love at first sight? That it would have been over from that one too many fights if he wasnt? Do I love him or the idea of him? I can never forget the first time I saw him. Never.

I can never be true to myself. I've thought about people who's never honest with themselves and then change. They leave the things that makes them miserable and accepts themselves for being exactly who they are. And push away people who are dragging them down and just be happy. I always think "What if I try? What is I stop kidding myself and just be honest with myself. Do what I want and not what other people want. Just be happy. Being just me." I dont think it's that simple. I can never be honest with myself. I can never give in to the temptation to tell someone something rude or bad.

Conclusion : I am a confused fool who lets other people dictates my life and controls it. A miserable fool. Who's aching to be left the fuck alone.

*Crying silently inside* "I want out".


Saturday, May 24, 2008

havent written in years.

I feel like I havent written in YEARS!!

Cant make any excuses. I guess i havent felt like it. Aida has been bugging me about it. EACH TIME I see her. And I only see her when Im in college. So far,about 3 times. And she keeps saying "UPDATE YOUR DAMN BLOG". Either that or "WHERE'S MY PRISON BREAK." Jeez. Gimme a break. Cant you just say "DUDE! Where the hell have you been. I missed hanging out. Let me treat you to Indian Hero." Come on. I know you want to say it. I can see it in your eyes. Haha.

P/S : Dude. You've been bugging me about burning Season 1 of Prison Break. They already have Season 2 and 3.

Fine. Fine. Here you go. Happy?
Currently feeling very 'dry'. Maybe KL is just way to hot for me to handle. :P I wake up everyday sweating like hell. I should really up my intake of water.

Currently I have too many things in my mind. Like things that I want. Random thoughts. Desires. Hopes. Dreams. I've been writing. Not so much. I think im running out of ideas. But I never run out of imagination. But when I want to put it on paper. It's just... 'blah'. Dull. I guess that's how im feeling these days. Dull.

Im also watching Bleach. Im currently on episode 117. Yes. Im seriously way behind!! But I just started and I have other things to do. It's a pretty good accomplishment I think,to watch those many episodes in such a short time. Not an accomplishment to brag about by the way. :D Oh well.

My eyes are watery. They've been like that since a few days ago. No,I am not feeling emotional. I think it's just the hot and dry weather. You know what,it was dark this evening and I was hoping it'd rain. But it didnt. Dang!

OK. My overused phrase right now. Dang. And Damn. And WTH. It just rolls off my tongue during conversations. Or whenever it feels like rolling off my tongue. Dang!

Haha. Currently waiting for my cousins and auntie and uncle to come back from Kelantan. Jeez. What's taking em so long. Im in need of money. More and more. :l I need a job. But I dont feel like working. Oh well. I'll think of something.

I should just stop here. I'll write more later. Promise. :D