What does not kill you, makes you stronger.

I feel like writing this up. Nothing personal. Just my own oppinion.

I've asked this myself years ago. How can you change your feelings abruptly? How can you just throw away how you felt towards someone in just a blink of an eye? How do you do that? I have never really known the answer -- until now. It still bugs me how someone can make you love them and then just breaks your heart without even a tiny glance back at all those months, days and minutes that you have spent together. I know that you are hurting, but I love you -- we all do. So please, stop it. Stop putting salt into your wound and let it break you apart. I know it hurts. I feel it when I look at you. It hurts me too, because you are one of my close friends now. We may not have years of friendship, but still we're good friends now. Every time that tear falls down your face, I look away because I don't have any words that you want to hear to make it better. I know you dont want to hear it from me, instead you wait to hear it from him. It's not right, it's not fair, but I need you to be strong and I will hold out my hand to you whenever you need me. Just to make sure you cross this bridge safe and sound.

It's not about who is stalking who, I think that the only thing right now is the truth. The faster you find the truth, the faster you get over it. Im sorry if 'you' feel like this is us making 'you' feel terrible but then again, 'you' are involved. So stop trying to wriggle your way out, and own up to it. Just like you feel like we're not owning up to it. We are, so yeah let's just get this over it. I dont mind.

And YOU, cant you just admit your mistakes and stop trying to make someone else feel that it's their mistakes. In this case, everyone who is involve made their own share of mistakes. Stop trying to look all innocent and nice when you know that you're not. This is not very nice. Why dont you be a man and face this. I hate people that act like it's not their fault and pin the blame on other people. Give her the answers that she deserves to hear. Instead of hiding behind a lie and run away from confrontations. You owe her this much, for making her feel like this.

What makes us strong? Is it the support from our family? Our friends? Our acquaintances? For me, I think it's from within ourselves. If we dont believe in it, then what's the point? There's no end to it if we just nod our head but not actually believing it in our hearts. When you learn to forgive yourselves for our mistakes, and to really learn from our mistakes -- only then we can move on. I always hold onto the thought of 'Everything has it's own reasons'. God doesnt give us more than what we can handle. If it doesnt kill us, then we can find it in ourselves to get through it. Look back and think of all the times that you never really understood why things happen, and think about all of the reasons for it to happen now. We'd find that there's always a reason to everything. It may not be clear as crystal at the time it happened, but years from now, it'll make sense. You just have to live your life to the fullest, even when life kicks you down. You'll learn to let go, and accept things as it is -- because when you least expected it, something better comes along. Don't just wait for it to happen, make it happen. It's liberating, it's refreshing, it's a breath of fresh air.

If he goes around talking shit behind your back, then you should know he's not the one for you. You deserve better. Maybe one day he'll look back and see how cruel he was to you, but don't wait for that day. You got a good 50 years ahead of you to look forward to. With one less useless person in your life. Hey, that's a positive thing right? "Setiap awan ada line kelabunya." HAHAHAHA. :D Positive thinking is the key. When you're positive, then everything feels great. When you can laugh about a simple thing someone says or do, that's the best feeling in the world. When you can throw your head back and laugh as much as you can, nothing can beat that feeling.

Mark Twain quoted, "There is nothing sadder than a young pessimist." We're only in our twenties, we got time to be the best that we can be. Dont worry about people liking you. When you feel good about yourself and you can be the best that you can be, that's more attractive than any beauty can hold.

Im pretty exhausted. Im not sure if I have written all that I can write. Maybe there's more, I'm just too knackered to type them now. So will you please excuse me, I better hit the sack. Sorry for any typos or grammar errors. I frigging hate those.

Goodnight! =_='

A second one? Oh wow.

Ok, so today I am feeling slightly exhausted and yeah, yeah I know -- it's mostly my fault. I can't face a challenge and just back down. I kicked Math's ass last night. It took me a while because it has been a while since I solved a math's problem. I'm surprised that I got it in the end. When I look at it now.. Naahhhh, it wasn't that hard. It was a piece of RT pastry yummy cake. Easy as an apple crumble pie. God, I feel like my sweet tooth is acting up. I miss Fida's birthday cake. It was DELICIOUS, and note that I capitalize the word? Because it was THAT delish. It was a good thing we stuck to the plan. The plan B was not that bad, since the back up bakery was THE bakery we were actually searching for.

I have dance practices non-stop until next week. O_O' I just hope I can remember all those steps. It's alot and everything is running around in my head, I'm not so sure where it begins and where it ends. Haha. I think I'll practice alone a bit later. Oh, I asked my close friends to drop by Malacca on Christmas hols. I hope they'd come! It would be so much fun. I'd take them to the best foods and then take them to places for some exploring. I haven't even hung out with them here since the day I started studying here. I think Fida came once, and Mye came by, but that's all.

I'm trying not to eat rice for a couple of weeks. I am effing fat! I don't feel comfortable. So, right now I am trying to watch what I eat. Anyway, that's one of the best things about living at home alone. Just like the 'ol times. I can just stop eating and people would never notice. :D I wonder how i got the drive to stop eating when I was 15. I mean, it's so frigging hard! I bet that if I can do it years ago, Im pretty sure i can do it now. I mean, I'm still the same person. Slightly heavier, though. Agh. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Feeling restless and heavy all the time. No, starting from this week, I'm watching what I eat.

P/S : If any of my bestfriends, or family is reading this. I was only joking. OK?

Resolutions? I've been singing about resolutions for a year now, and still I have no resolutions for next year that I haven't made years before and still not achieved. *sigh* I better clean up my act if I want to be someone one day. Starting next week, I am going to have clear goals. If a certain circumstances arise -- then it's safe to say I can hide under the covers for another week, :( Oh well, baby steps.

Bread & cheese again today. That's all. I need a Redbull or Coffee. -_-'

After such a long time.

Hi, I guess I am like a ghost now. I haven't been updating my blog in ages. I can't remember the last time I even opened it. I'm not sure why I am updating it now, but here I am typing away. So many things happened in the course of my absence. Every single day is filled with something. I guess as I near the end of the year, I feel like updating and looking forward to next year. I guess, you can say that I am trying to start fresh. I feel like things have been slipping away, I hope I can hold on to it long enough before everything falls around me in a mess. Above my head hovers the unmistakable dark cloud. I hope the sun will come out soon.

Right now, I've celebrated tons of birthdays including mine, I've gone through some ups and downs, I've grown tired and restless and I feel like turning a new leaf.

Also, I am currently training for a competition in traditional dance that would be held somewhere in January. I am a nervous wreck. Despite all of the negative energy and the scoldings from the choreographer, I think I am happy with it. I love dancing, and I suck at it. But with training, I hope I'll improve. Even if it is traditional dance. I am not kidding you when I say, the dance is pretty cute. HAHA.

I started tweeting just a few minutes ago, I have 11 followers. Lame right? HAHA. I am so not good in these things. I mean, even people who knows me doesn't give a damn about my life. Oh well, here's to being optimistic. :)

I'll update more when I have the time. I feel like some bread & cheese. Mhhmm.

Thank You

I just found out that a friend of mine, wrote a poem about Acap and I. I know he'll probably kill me, if I mention this. Thinking that it would make him look gay. Haha. Being in touch with your emotions is not that bad. I think it's a good thing. Thank you for this. It's lovely.

Basically, he wrote it after he saw us together. He said that seeing us made him feel hopeful. Hopeful to find somone, that would make him as happy or happier than us. Well, dear friend, I hope you do find this girl. Best of luck to you.

For Them

Do u see her smiling.
Glowing like raging moon
The moment you stepped into view
Eyes glitter like a seabed of diamonds
Blinding everyone with a shine so bright

You can feel her energy bursting out with fury
So strong that it swept me away
So much that it moves the ones supposedly dead
No one knows if its a gift or a curse
Something so powerful should not be real
Is it obsession or passion?

Its a wonder, a famous untold secret
Things that i only have heard of, always seen.
but never felt so strongly
how i ponder on thinking how lucky you are,
where millions are wishing on stars.
While you have one glowing in your arms.

I once dream of such magnificence
and after awhile i woke up and left it there to rot
But feeling it around me is another
It gives me courage to not surrender
to one day reach up to the misty sky
find my own raging star

By Mr Hamzah Ariffin in his blog .happy days.

Well that's all for now love.

Love, Aqi.

tied in knots

Im curling like a ball. In pain. So much pain. I hate periods. And I hate those people that says, "It's just a period right?" Screw you. Why dont you give it a try, take this. I dont want it.

Wow. The Javanese massage I had at the Spa must have put some pressure on my uterus. So much for a relaxing day.

My head is throbbing. It feels like exploding. Im breathless. I couldnt even squeaked an answer when my brother asked me a question, trying to keep it together. I swore I felt like fainting. Might have fainted, rather than putting up with this. Ugh.

Feeling nocturnal. Again.

I cannot sleep. With the finals coming up. And a few things going through my head. I cannot seem to ease my mind and doze off. I am usually this problematic when it comes to sleeping. Drinking the Honey Orange Frappucino didnt really do me any good. I never thought that caffeine could actually keep me awake. It never really did. I'd like to think that it was always my will power, and the mind is a very powerful thing. You can tell yourself that you're in pain, and believe it without a doubt -- and you'll be in pain. Without any physical cause to it.

I've been thinking alot. I think I am mostly lucky in my life. With every mistake that I do, I receive consequences. With every consequences, I receive revelation, ephiphanies. Anything that would lead to my belief that 'Everything happens for a reason'. It always does. No matter how much it hurts or how much I dont want to believe that there's any silver lining to those clouds. I eventually will find something to be optimistic about.

Things havent been looking up. I think I am spiralling again. I dont know. Sometimes I think, I really should be medicated. My state of mind, really does feel like it needs medication. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still considered sane. Because I havent tried killing myself? Or killed someone? How do you really determine someone's soundness of mind. By just observing externally. I once thought that, I'd rather be alone. And having people around me is the only thing that keeps me sane. But having them close, sometimes doesnt make sense to me. I'd rather stay away, then being hurt one day. I dont know if I am that really close to someone. Emotionally,honestly. It's hard. I tend to lock myself away. To not feel. To not care. Sometimes I am not around for people, because I dont expect them to be there for me. It's hard when there's expectations. So I try to limit them when I can. To have good people in your life, you have to be good to people. Logically, it make sense. But even the most vile of person has someone of pure heart in their life. That makes sense too, right?

Why do we fight? Even when we are tired of it. What is there to prove? What is there to gain? It seems like I've been feeling very negative lately. Getting annoyed at everything. And flipping moods 360 degrees in a matter of minutes or hours. It's even hard to keep track of my own self. Of how I am feeling and of what I want. I am a tragic. A waste of space.

I should be trying to get some sleep. Thinking of spending some time in Manja Spa later today. I need something to re-energize my restless body and mind. I cannot wait for the jacuzzi. &&& cannot wait for the dinner in George&Dragon with the whole family. Or TGI Friday. Whichever we pick. Or whoever wins the vote. TGIF is boring. -_-"

&&& I am so happy that Papa is here in JB. And not in KL working. I get to spend the weekend with everyone. *HAPPY!*

Shopping list, anyone?

I am thinking of buying waaaaaay too many things. Without really buying them. I am such a masochistic shopaholic. And no, I dont mean it sexually. It just means that I have too many things that I want to buy in my head. But I dont have the money or the will to actually buy them. Then, torture myself at thinking about how I reaaaaaaaaaally want to buy them. Oh, it hurts.

I saw these really mouthwatering pair of Lacoste shoes. A friend of mine spotted them before, and I really did like it. I couldnt stop thinking about it. Yes, I even daydream about it. It's not much. Just that it's simple, white with some colourful stripes. It looks -- simple yet very fashionable. I just found out the price just now, when I followed my family to Adidas to search for my brother's shorts. Yeap, it's RM300++. My brother liked them too. Too expensive for my parents' liking though. I thought that this would be a good time to start compromising. Oh well, whether I do get it or not, we'll just wait and see.

I have to buy some gadgets/effects for my band We're Not English. I think there's one that a friend of mine wants to show me. I dont have anything in mind right now as to what I want. I guess I'll just give that a try.

Then, I'd love a Fuji Instax. I've always liked polaroid pictures. I dont know, somehow it just makes a picture more vintage and better to look at. It's expensive, I know. But if it's something you love, wouldnt you invest on it? :)

I havent been to Cotton for ages. Saying that, I think it was a month ago? Haha. I miss it already. I have some money to spend, I hope I get to go to KL soon. Do some little shopping. Right now, Im looking for a very cool high-top. I havent found one that catches my eye. They're all too OTT. Someone once wanted to give me one, identical to his. But I guess, I wasnt that lucky. I lost more than a pair of great high-tops. Im in love with booties nowadays, but cant find the courage to wear one. I am not really a trend follower. I dont even know when a style is in or when it's so last season. I love my Iphone even when some say that they're bored with it and they're so last year. I love vintage pieces. I dont even care if I'm wearing an old Estee Lauder handbag that I found in a bundle for RM5. It's still wearable to me. Black,practical and gold finishings for zippers. I love it.

So who cares right? As long as we're happy with what we have. :D

I'll write more later.

Love, Aqi

P/S : Get well soon Muhammad Asraf. I love you.

FOTO FOTO!

The BBQ at Ema's place on New Year's Eve

Photos from JOHO event. Credit to Lalan Rahiman.

Wearing United Invasion for Rebirth

Check out the Rebirth online store here!
And check out the JOHO official blog for more info on what's so amazing about it here!

So, what's for New Year?

Ok, I havent been around. && I missed the posting for new year. I had a great one. This year it was all about the BBQ at Ema's and the JOHO event that was pretty much amazing. It was nice to meet up with friends that I dont get to always hang out with. It's been a while.

So first off, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I cant really say that I have some resolutions tucked into my backpocket somewhere. All I can say is, this year. I will try to change some things. I'd like to try to make it less routine as possible. Hey, who wants the same things as last year, right? This year will probably be really different from last year. With or without any help from me. I hope it's better. Last year was too much drama. Like that's ever going to change. EVERY year is filled with some kind of drama. Oh! I have only one resolution I guess. I think that I have this resolution for years now. It's the I-want-to-be-more-skinny resolution. No surprise there. My obsession that I just cant really obsess much about. :P

The BBQ at Ema's was wonderful. I reached her house a bit late though. Wanted to surprised her, and I did get to do that. She was pretty surprised. Most of her close friends was there. Was supposed to go to the Curve with Asraf and his friends. I've never celebrated New Year there before. Call me lame, but I just hate the crowd. I'll just suffocate in one. Maybe, I'll try it one day. Asraf followed me to Ema's house. Where I spent much time with one of my bestfriend Fida and another friend of mine, Hamzah. I had this photo taken from Zaha's Instax, of Asraf and I. I love it. I have it specially placed inside my wallet. You cant have a purse without that little space where you can put in pictures. Ok, you're really suppose to put in your ID card there I guess. But I call mine, the wall of fame. Just that, this new purse of mine is not big on the wall of fame. So I can only put in one photo. I chose that one. I'll upload the picture later. Took another one with all the ladies, for Zaha's to keep. HAHA. I'm thinking of buying one for myself. I am a sucker for polaroid photos. I think I am going to collect Instax from now on! I even bought myself a new top for the BBQ. I had my eye on it for quiet a while now. It's chiffon with a very colourful and bright design. But I had to wear a Cardi with it, since it's a bit too revealing. Asraf would give me the look of are-you-serious if I wore it just like that. Yes, my very conservative 18 year old boyfriend. The food at the BBQ was delicious. All thanks to Mr Hamzah Ariffin. The entertainment by Mr Aimen Mike Xavier was also amazing. We had fun with the chiptunes stuff. While Ema kept spelling her name into her song that Aimen turned into a very cool tune. We did the countdown and opened a bottle of Sparkling. Oh, very New York of us right? Haha. I had the most amazing pie. Seriously, it was all whipped cream I guess. Simply delicious. It was light, it was sweet and it had strawberries. YUMMY! Thank you Zaha for letting me eat most of it. :D

Then it was off to the JOHO event held at Roost Bistro. Yes, this is all very tiring for me. I am here one minute and there in another minute. I reached the place around 8pm. I came in with Asraf to see that the guys are all having their soundcheck. Lynn was nowhere to be seen. So we did the soundcheck before going out to check out the whole place. The place was kinda small. You cant really fit the whole crowd inside. So some had to stand outside or something. Outside was filled with people. There were people selling Cupcakes, others were selling clothes and stuff. Rebirth, my favourite bundle was there. Selling some pretty cool shirts. Which I had the honour of wearing for a promo for Rebirth at the store. It was pretty fun. I got to meet alot of my friends. Most I havent seen in a very long time. Great bands was going to perform. There were us (Finger Inc), Laila, Ziller and the Klasik Ikan Keli, Statik, and last but not least, The Plague of Happiness. There were also poems by poets Feroz Omar and John D Madman. The night was going strong by the minute. They parked this blue VW Van outside in front of the Bistro, and there was this banner of SPAM and JOHO logo on it. It was like this red carpet event where there were photogs snapping pictures as people stand in front of the banner. It was something new, and it was pretty cool. I wanted Asraf to take a picture of me standing there, but I didnt think that someone would actually call my name to stand there and take pictures. HAHAHAHA. OK, it was my friend Yus who is one of the organizers, but dont bust my bubble. It was pretty cool ok! So we took individual photos where we had to hold this sign that spelled out JOHO boldly on it. So I took some pictures with Asraff, Lynn and Apis. Then one with Lynn and Yus. After a while, they called for a band photo. Im still waiting for the photos. They havent uploaded it yet. So after that night, I went out for a late dinner and brought Asraf to Straitsview road. He was really excited to see the Sultan's place. It's huge,yeah.

So the whole weekend was then turned into a tour of JB for Asraf. It was fun driving him around JB. So that he can see the places I usually go with my friends. And the places I dine in. I love the food here. I miss it all the time. :D

Im pretty exhausted. I'll upload some pictures later.

Love, Aqi.