Friday, February 29, 2008

a piece of moist chocolate MIND.

Love. Saranghaeyo. Liebe. Ai. Te Amo. Aishiteru. Mahal Kitak. Je T'aime.

How can one expression or feeling can be said in so many ways. So different, yet it means the same.

So is it wrong when love befall upon two person regardless of age,gender or religion? That's different than what you think it's suppose to be.

Yes. I think it will make things a lot harder. And I mean A LOT. But who's to say that it is wrong? For a person that did not go through these kind of situations. They will never know how it feels. For a person like me,I can only imagine how it feels. Is it fair for them? Imagine you cant love the person you love right now because society says that you cant. How would you feel if you're the one who's considered an outsider if the table is turned on you. If this world was different. You believe in things that are already set by others. Majority says so. The minorities? Who cares! Sarcastic. Ironic. Funny isnt it? If one day, society says "No wait,straight people should be discriminated. Yes,this is the way to be from now on." Would you change? And suddenly say "Yes this should be the right thing." "But Sir,why is it so?" "Well,because they said so." People have the right to choose. People should have the right to love. Regardless of age,gender or religion.

To those people who thinks that being gay and lesbian is a crime then you have the right to choose too. So if you really think that you're right,then fight for it.

As for me, I know a guy who's a really good friend and a good person. Genuinely nice when he wants to be. And he's gay. And I have NO/
ZILCH problem with that. He's perfect as he is. He deserves love. And so does all the others out there. I have found mine. I hope love is not something that can be discriminated. I thought love is the only thing that makes this insane world goes round. Even when you have nothing,you'll have love. Proven that people who's lonely without love lives a shorter life. So why should we limit it? Go ahead people. Find your love. And I hope you will hold onto it. And you'll see that it doesnt matter who you fall in love with. With love,everything goes. :D

To my friends. Regardless of age,gender or religion. I love you too.

Sorry if this is crap. I havent slept for 32 hours and I felt like writing something before I hit the sack. If my words are unclear. I will write again. When my head is not fucking foggy like it is right now. Sluggish. Numb. Throbbing. I should sleep.


Give PEACE and LOVE a chance.

that nagging voice in my head!

I feel like dancing.

I feel like singing.

I feel like humming.

I feel like laughing really loudly.

I feel like jumping into a puddle.

I feel like it's raining. Everyday.

Even when it's not.

You know that nagging voice inside your head? The one that never goes away. Well,it NEVER goes away.

I feel like writing nonsense.

The wind was strong and the rain had stopped. Sunlight crept behind the clouds. Little rays of light illuminates the ground here and there. She was sitting on a bench in a park near the broken fountain. She felt cold but then again,it always is. It has been a month since he left. Maybe if he left because he cheated,she could hate him. And then it would be OK. Or maybe if he left because it's just not working out anymore,she could find someone else,even better! Or maybe.. if he left just because,maybe she could still glance his way. See him smile. They could even still be 'just' friends. She can still hear him and still stand by him laughing away. But why.. does it hurt? It hurts so much that she couldnt seem to open her eyes. Tears keep spilling,trickling down her cold cheeks. And words that she can only utter are "Why?" or "Please" or "Come" or "Back".

My name is Ariel. I am the girl sitting on the bench. Unable to comprehend that a certain someone I loved. No,a person that I love is gone. Dead. Some say "He's gone to a better place." And some say "God loves him,that's why He wants him back earlier than we thought". Is it a better place? Where I am not there? Where the people that loves him are not there? Is it a better place than here? With me. Dont I love him too? Everything is too sudden. Even after a month. It is still sinking in. I can still remember that night.

I think there were signs on the night before our 3 year anniversary,he was feeling uneasy for no particular reason but who would notice? Not even me. And it had to happen on the day itself?

The phone rang. I waited a while before picking up. He was acting weirdly at college today. Serves him right for ignoring me the whole day. "Hello?" I said while writing some notes in my notepad. "Ariel? It's me." Ryan said. "Oh hey. What's up?" I said nonchalantly. "Sorry about today,I don't feel well." He said apologetically. He did looked pale today. Maybe he IS sick? Feeling guilty for making a big deal of nothing,I toned my attitude down.
"Are you okay?".
"Im fine. Im just feeling.. a bit off ya know?".
"Do you want me to come over?"
"Naah. I'll be fine. I wanted to ask.. what do you want to do tomorrow?"
I laughed.
"Come on. What's so funny? Fine. If you dont want to."
"NO.. no Ryan. Im glad you even remember." I smiled to myself. He never cared. So why now? Oh well. You cant complain right,when someone has good intentions.
"So.. Anything in mind?"
"Yeah. Suprise me."
"What? How the hell am I suppose to do that? We're planning now right?"
"Oh come on. Just think of something!"
"Oh.. Okay then. No complaining ok?"
"No complains." By this time,I was already smiling from ear to ear. But it felt odd. Why now?
"Hey Ryan?"
"Why do you want to anyway? I didnt know you cared."
"I dont know. It's just a nagging feeling. I want to. Is it okay?"
"It is. Im happy."
"Me too."
"Are you smiling that stupid smile of yours,Ryan?"
"Haha. You! One of these days you wont get to see this smile anymore. Then too bad! HA!"
"But! Im happy. Im smiling that stupid smile of yours."
"Im smiling that stupid smile of mine."

We hung up and I felt elated. Euphoria. I'm not sure if this is the word im searching for. But i'll settle for it right now. Because the feeling of 'excessive or exaggerated feeling of happiness' is just what I am feeling right now.

The next day was a blur. I didnt see him much in college. Just that he came to my class and told me he's picking me up at 8pm. And that I should be ready by then. He looked paler than ever. When I asked he just said I'm overreacting and that he's fine.

When I went back home,I took a long bath. Shaved my legs. Wore conditioner. Brushed my teeth and plucked my eyebrows. Settled on a white knee length dress,minimum make-up,and loose hair. It was around 7.40 pm at the time. I still had time. So,I sat on the bed reading War And Peace by Tolstoy.

After a while,I glanced at the clock and was shocked to see that it was already 8.30pm. Where is he? I thought. I checked my phone to see if there was any missed calls.

There was none.

I dialed Ryan's number and it reaches the mailbox. I left a message asking where he was and figured something came up and that he's going to be late. Maybe this is the surprise? That he's late. Or he's not coming at all. I grinned. That jerk. He's going to get a punch from me if he dare comes later than 15 minutes from now. I walked towards the kitchen to get something to drink. I wonder what he's up to? Thinking of him trying hard to surprise me,it made me realize how long we had been together. Oh well,we still have a long journey together. Hey Ryan? You're going to have to put up with me for a very long time because no matter what,im going to fight for us. For our love. I love you.

"Ahaha. Maybe I should tell him that tonight!" I said to myself. Just then the doorbell rang. I quickly walked towards the door anticipating to see Ryan. "Ariel?" Josh,one of Ryan friends,was at the door looking disheveled. "Josh! Why? What's wrong?" I asked worriedly. I didnt think it was because of Ryan but I thought wrong. Oh how I wished I was wrong.

"It's Ryan. Ariel.. Ryan.."
"Ryan? Where's Ryan?"
"He's.. He's.. Ryan.. He's.."
"Josh! Spit it out!"
"Ryan.. he was getting ready. He was. Then we were playing around. He looked unhappy you know? We were trying to cheer him up. Playing around. Since it's his first time celebrating an anniversary with you. He was happy. I think he was. He sounded happy. Yeah. He was. Ryan.."
"What the fuck are you talking about? Cut to the point!"
"Oh yeah. He drove off. We were in another car going for dinner. At the turn point. Near the traffic light? We saw his car. Smashed. He was in an accident! We went there. There were alot of blood. The ambulance came. His car.. OH GOD. His car. Ryan-"
At that time. I couldnt think of anything. Never had I felt so blank and helpless. So.. helpless. I rushed inside and grabbed my purse and pulled Josh to his car.
All I could think of was how the seconds was like hours. The minutes was like days. The sounds around me.. sounded alot like static. Everything was a blur. It felt unreal. My head was pounding with thoughts. "Is he okay?" "Alot of blood.. Is he okay?" "He'll be fine.. He'll be fine.. He'll be fine."

Tears rolled down unnoticed. Words of encouragement and console sounded so distant. After minutes that felt like days,we reached the hospital that the ambulance had taken Ryan to. A few of his friends was already there,looking on at the closed doors of the Emergency Room. They turned around when they heard our hurried footsteps. "Ariel!" Chase said coming towards me. "They said.. The doctors said they'll try their best--" he stopped. Looked around at the others and his gaze fell to the floor. "They said.. They'll try their best but.. we have to prepare ourselves." Those words felt like it sliced open a wound that was so severe that I crumbled and broke in tears. "They better try their best! Or I'll kick their asses. He better be alive! That jerk. He cannot leave me here alone!" At that time all of them crowded around me and all of us just wanted one thing. For Ryan to be ok.

An hour passed. I called his parents and they said they are coming right away and that I should take care of things while they're still on the way. My friends had also came by this time to accompany me and to offer help. No one came out from the ER to offer us news. We paced around,drank coffees and I had to take care of some paperworks that the hospital required. I felt worn out but I anticipate any news that would come. It was so frustrating that no one cared enough to come out and tell us what's going on.

Two hours passed. The doors to the Emergency Room suddenly opened and 2 person came out. Ryan's friends rushed towards the two doctors and started asking questions. I walked slowly towards them and hoped so much that they will tell me what I've wanted to hear.

"Is Ryan OK?" Josh asked.
The doctors pulled off their gloves and the one on the left looked at Josh and us.
"I am very sorry. We tried our best. He was losing too much blood. His injuries were very severe. His heart just gave out. I am very sorry..Is there any family members? We have to have family approval to let anyone see the body. "
At that time. Nothing mattered anymore. He's dead. Ryan's dead. Ryan.. he's gone. He's never coming back. I felt like crying but the tears never came. I felt numb. I couldnt even move. Let alone say something. From now on. I can never get to see that 'stupid smile' anymore.

It was cold. It didnt rain that day but it was a very cold night. The air was thick. The night was illuminated by the full moon. At nearly 4am, I was sitting in a swing in a playground near my house. A bouquet of roses on the ground near my feet. An unopened letter on my hand. The wind kept blowing. My hair tickling my face. Eyes swelling from all the crying. His parents looked broken. His younger siblings looked so lost. After his parents came,I could go in and see him. I can never forget how he looked. Bruised and bloodied. I hugged him and said my goodbyes. Stayed around for a while until his parents said that I should go home,have some rest and come for the funeral tomorrow. As reluctant as I was,I knew that I couldn't do anything more. The police came to talk to his parents about what happened. His parents called me and asked me to listen to it too. It seemed that a drunk truck driver didnt notice his car and when he did,it was already too late. The man was charged with manslaughter and driving under influence(DUI). I wanted to feel angry,but I was too exhausted. Chase called after me when I was about to walk out from the hospital. I turned around to see him running towards me.

"What's going on?"
"I want to show you something. I mean. I want to give you something. Wait,I think there's something you should know"
"What are you talking about?"
Chase pulled me towards his car and opened the backseat door. He hid something behind him and faced me.
"Before the ambulance came. He was conscious for a while. Well,we were trying to keep him conscious."
"Yeah. He told me to get something in the car. It wasnt easy but he wanted me to,so I did."
"Chase! What is it?"
Chase slowly showed what he was hiding. A bouquet of white roses in one hand and a letter in another.

So here I am. Sitting on the swing. With an unopened letter in my hand. Contemplating on whether I should open it or not. I looked down at the bouquet of roses on the ground. Some are battered and some are even stained with specks of blood. I closed my eyes and imagined him buying the roses and writing the letter. He must have felt weird. He must have had that stupid smile on his face. The one that I can never see again. I sighed.

I decided to just read the letter. I should. ----------------------------


Agh. Crap. Do you want to know what the letter says? How come whatever i type comes out trashy. Should be crumpled and thrown in the bin. Or folded into a paper airplane and thrown out the window. Or made into a paper boat and let sail down the drain. *sigh* I think my head is jammed. I havent slept. I am really sleepy. My eyes are so heavy that I almost fell asleep typing. Really. *yawn* See. That was a big yawn. My head hurts. I'll write later. Regarding this piece of crappy story. I dont know if I'll continue. Maybe i will,maybe not. I'll attempt another one or a continuation when I am not sleep deprived and 'something' nourished. Oh wait,let me try to correct that.. when i am not sleep deprived and

LATER PEOPLE. This captain sleepyhead will try to get through a few more hours. Then SLEEP. Yes,please. SLEEEEEPPPP!


Last Sunday I went to a gig and some things happened that I do not wish to write here. I'm just glad I can finally put it behind me. And to whoever is reading this that witnessed the commotion. I am truly sorry and please put it behind us. And.. MOVE ON.

I haven't been doing anything productive these past few days so I have no idea on what to recap anymore.

On 13th March I will receive my results. And when I said that my finals was my death sentence. Well,I came out from the exam hall on the last day scratch free. Wait,a few bruises but I came out, yes ALIVE. Right now,I feel like im heading towards a death penalty. I soo-oh-oh CANNOT wait to get my results. Right... I shall write my will soon. Maybe on 12th March.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

.musically inclined.

To you people who thought playing Radio by Alkaline Trio was lame. HAH! :D See,other people plays it too. Haha. This song is the first song I played in a jamming session that was successful. So when there was this band called Manuk from KL started playing it.. My friends started making so much noise and called out my name. HAHAHAHAHA. SEE! IT IS A GOOD SONG! I can still play that song until now. Yeay. It's not that hard really. I think most people have no trouble learning that song. It's significant to me because it's the first song that I played fully from the beginning until the end. :D


Friday, February 8, 2008

Chocopie Freak

Yes Yes. I AM A VERY LAZY PERSON. Gah. My dad always say that I'm the most laziest bum in the world. Haha. I think I have to agree with him on that. I woke up really late today and I had a very weird dream. I woke up with chills running down my back remembering it. My worst nightmare I think. Im afraid of zombies. So,when I woke up today. I felt like my body just froze up. Everything felt cold. Or am I just being dramatic? I am,I think. :D But having a dream where you're trying to escape from a town full of those things? I woke up just wondering what I would do if my whole family turned into them. Haha. I'm overreacting. Yes I know. I have an imagination of a 4 year old. Im still figuring out if this a bad thing or not. :D

I'm currently addicted to Chocopies and Barley Black Tea. Gah. I bought like 2 boxes of Chocopie last week. I finished one box already. Seriously,I'm getting fatter. This is really bad. Should really watch my diet after this. Not feeling very healthy. Mama cooked today. So yeay! It's been a while since she cooked. YUMMY. Although it was just one side dish. Nvm. I think this house has too many chocolates. My brothers are eating chocolates like there's no tomorrow. Haha. Mama boards the plane one too many times. She buys chocolates each time she goes to the airport,since it's cheaper. So if you want some,tell me. I have like 3 types of truffles here. Im considering whether I want to eat it or not. It's bad enough that I'm addicted to Chocopies. Now,chocolates?? Gah. I think my family is deliberately making me fat because I keep complaining about my body. :D Haha.

I'm currently watching a K-Drama called 1% of Anything. At first I wasn't too keen on it. But it's growing on me. Im also watching an anime called School Rumble. I wasn't too keen on this too but i'm giving it a few more episodes before saying it's not good.

GAH. IM WRITING CRAP. Oh well. I'll end it here. I'll write something more.. tasteful later. Im having a writers' block. My brain is freezed. I'll defrost it soon.