Sunday, January 10, 2010

Feeling nocturnal. Again.

I cannot sleep. With the finals coming up. And a few things going through my head. I cannot seem to ease my mind and doze off. I am usually this problematic when it comes to sleeping. Drinking the Honey Orange Frappucino didnt really do me any good. I never thought that caffeine could actually keep me awake. It never really did. I'd like to think that it was always my will power, and the mind is a very powerful thing. You can tell yourself that you're in pain, and believe it without a doubt -- and you'll be in pain. Without any physical cause to it.

I've been thinking alot. I think I am mostly lucky in my life. With every mistake that I do, I receive consequences. With every consequences, I receive revelation, ephiphanies. Anything that would lead to my belief that 'Everything happens for a reason'. It always does. No matter how much it hurts or how much I dont want to believe that there's any silver lining to those clouds. I eventually will find something to be optimistic about.

Things havent been looking up. I think I am spiralling again. I dont know. Sometimes I think, I really should be medicated. My state of mind, really does feel like it needs medication. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still considered sane. Because I havent tried killing myself? Or killed someone? How do you really determine someone's soundness of mind. By just observing externally. I once thought that, I'd rather be alone. And having people around me is the only thing that keeps me sane. But having them close, sometimes doesnt make sense to me. I'd rather stay away, then being hurt one day. I dont know if I am that really close to someone. Emotionally,honestly. It's hard. I tend to lock myself away. To not feel. To not care. Sometimes I am not around for people, because I dont expect them to be there for me. It's hard when there's expectations. So I try to limit them when I can. To have good people in your life, you have to be good to people. Logically, it make sense. But even the most vile of person has someone of pure heart in their life. That makes sense too, right?

Why do we fight? Even when we are tired of it. What is there to prove? What is there to gain? It seems like I've been feeling very negative lately. Getting annoyed at everything. And flipping moods 360 degrees in a matter of minutes or hours. It's even hard to keep track of my own self. Of how I am feeling and of what I want. I am a tragic. A waste of space.

I should be trying to get some sleep. Thinking of spending some time in Manja Spa later today. I need something to re-energize my restless body and mind. I cannot wait for the jacuzzi. &&& cannot wait for the dinner in George&Dragon with the whole family. Or TGI Friday. Whichever we pick. Or whoever wins the vote. TGIF is boring. -_-"

&&& I am so happy that Papa is here in JB. And not in KL working. I get to spend the weekend with everyone. *HAPPY!*

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