Im in over my head!

I think there was a time in my life, when I was a lot younger that I had to pick a path. Naive and so hungry for life -- I chose the roads where I know would give me happiness but I also know deep down in my heart that it would never lasts. I know I am right, but I think that was the point in my life where I spiraled out of control and until now, i could never find my way back again. I never gave time for my mind to actually make a decision, I just had to crash into it and not give it another thought. I think it's been years -- too long -- since I had a breather. To pull my head out of the water and just take a breath. Now, my heart is not into it anymore. It's spreading me thin. I dont know what else i can do. All I know is I need to just move forward. Keep on walking. I dont have to break someone's heart just because mine is.

Felt like sharing a picture of me looking like a nerd :)

Lights will guide you home.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I am writing this while listening to Fix You by Coldplay. Maybe you should read this while listening to it. Im not sure of where to start or to begin. I am not even sure how this will end. All I know is that I feel like writing it. I am also not sure if I am hormonal right now to be feeling so down. I guess, it's the repetition of the actions and the situations that I am always getting myself into these few weeks or days. I cannot remember. All I know is that I am feeling too tired. To feel, to care, to actually make this better. To make myself feel better. I keep thinking that maybe I am just too caught up in my feelings. Do you know that feeling? When you try to cry, but you cant -- because it's just too tiring. Repetitions make things perfect, you get so used to it that you can no longer feel surprised or feel anything at all. Sometimes this can benefit you, but what if it makes you feel like you're hurting all the time. Not even feeling it anymore, but you just feel numb. Like everything doesn't matter anymore. I used to think that whatever I do, I had to do it. It's part of the universe's plan for myself. That I dont have a choice. I just have to embrace it.

I always thought about the things I hold dear. That I believe in. This is what I value most, that "Everything happens for a reason." Even when it doesn't make sense to me now, I always remind myself that there's a bigger picture. I sometimes think of what it feels like to be in someone else's life or shoes. What does it feel like? Everything around me comes to a blur now. It's like I'm running with you, but then you stumble and I have to stop to look over my shoulder and then we'd be running again. I think I've been good. Just a few things that I want for myself. It might not always involve you, but then again -- it's my life. Right? I have a right to live it the way I would want to -- right?

Age plays a very big importance to me. I keep thinking that I might run out of time. To live like it's your last.. Isnt that what it's all about? Being yourself. Doing whatever you want to do. I might sound selfish, but Im not like you. I dont think that it's selfish. No, I dont think that I have to explain my every actions. I dont want to feel like Im smothered. I want to fly. I want to taste life. I want to touch the sky, and fall from that very sky. I want to go up and I want to go down. Why should I carry the emotional burden of someone else? I dont think I am ready for it. Did I make a mistake? i dont think meeting you was a mistake. I think it was a blessing. You're the greatest -- but shouldnt I feel great? I think right now, I feel like there's a big boulder on my shoulder. The weight of it tires me.

Do I feel alive right now? Sometimes. You know what? You can never get everything that you want. I cant help but feel that it's not right. I cannot say it. Im too scared. Is it going to be my biggest mistake? Probably. I love you. It tires me. Just living tires me. Breathing is hard when I try to think about this. Melodramatic? Oh well, that's your oppinion.

I'm tired. I'm always tired. I remember those times in my past where I am in the situation where I am now. Is it any different? I think it is. The person it involves matters. It's different. I will always know it in my heart it's different. Im not sure of what I want to do right now. All I know is that I dont want this.

"Lights will guide you home, and ignites your bones."

Fix me.

Goodnight loves.

Fever?

Is it worrying if you ALWAYS have pounding headaches? Should I go and see a doctor? Oh funny. I have two in the house, and I am pretty sure they think I am fine. Right now, I think I am sick. Usually it's just a pounding headache and USUALLY I can bear with the pain. Today though, it's excruciating. A higher level of pain than my normal headaches. Not to mention I feel like there's sandpaper in my throat. I dont even know how I contracted this. I mean, I'm pretty healthy. I dont get sick easily. So, now I get a fever? On the week that is supposed to be a very busy week for me? Dang!

*breathe in, breathe out* I am just going to get through this. There's nothing much I can do until this goes away. I took two paracetamol just now. I better get something to eat and then gulp down a couple of dissolved Vit C. That'll help I think. My mom made me drink that stuff since I was younger. Sometimes my fever cant even last a day -- it's gone in a few hours of sleep. Or it'll be gone in a day or two. Really need my health right now. I've never collapsed before, I dont think I would even start now.

Note to self : Drink water -- A LOT.

Breakfast on the couch.

Yes, I want some breakfast. Refer to pictures above. Mhhhmmm. Wont somebody make me some of these wonderful food for breakfast? You know what, I always imagine eating like this in the morning while reading paper or a book and sipping hot coffee or cold orange juice by the balcony in Paris. In a small 2 bedroom apartment overlooking the streets of Paris. White furnitures and cosy atmosphere. With hair tied up in a bun, wearing an oversized shirt over boyshorts.

Yes, I have a very wild imagination. What? A girl can dream can she? It's not that I want someone that could get me that, I feel like I want it for myself. I want to do it on my own if I can. Maybe I would. One day. You can never know, right? :)

Mhhmm. I miss the smell of coffee. It's been 5 minutes since I ate that spoonful of Manuka Honey. Time for coffee. Bye!

Oh yeah, morning everyone. I hope you start off your Saturday morning with a delicious and healthy breakfast.