endorphin kicking in.

I went for a walk and a run today. As usual,my lack of stamina never surprise me. I ran a couple of minutes and stopped with a heart burn and eyes blurry. I need to remember that running when I havent been running for a while spells trouble. Heck,I wasnt an athlete to start with. Oh well. As usual,it left me feeling a bit better. The fresh air and the pumped heart elevated my mood. Breeze walking took my mind away from the whirlpool of thoughts. But I admit that I really wish I could just run.. And only stop when I feel like stopping. Damn this body! I guess I just need time to adjust. It'll get better in a few days. Maybe tomorrow I should bring some music with me.

Anyone for Paintball? I feel like it. I dont mind getting hit. I forgot how it felt being hit by one of those things. Just not the head,please.

Katy Perry :) Loooovveeeee.

Nite nite -.-

*blink blink* -.-'

I've been writing random things on scraps of paper thinking that it might worth something one day. Or maybe it'll go into the dustbin. Either way,it's precious to me. If I can make something of it,I will.

The days are humid and hot these days. I have never perspired this much by just sitting around the house. I feel sticky and irritated that my head feels like exploding. My eyes feels awfully dry and at times it'll get too watery for my comfort. For the people who has spent countless times with me,you'd know that watery eyes doesnt really mean I'm sad or I'm crying. I guess to me it's normal. Sometimes I feel like maybe I havent cried enough. The ceiling fan doesnt do any justice. It's still frigging hot. At least at the sauna you can get a massage after. Anyone for a massage?

I feel like Sushi. I dont know. Just a craving. Maybe later. Doesnt feel like writing much tonight. Although there are some things I feel like getting off my chest. I guess it'll just have to wait. I talked to old friends and sometimes I feel like I miss them but.. I dont know. I feel like eventhough they're still the people I go to if there's anything. I feel oddly disconnected. Like we've changed so much.. And there's no way we can be like we were when we were kids. I miss those.. memories. We were like glued to each other. Despite having to go to different schools we were still pretty close. I feel like now.. Things will never be the same. And I will always miss that. Through the dramas and fights and tears and laughter.. As far as girlfriends go. They're mine.

I guess I can be hard sometimes. That doesnt mean that I dont want someone to at least come over with food and a smiling face to not ask,but to just be there. When Ema said she threw a friend a suprise birthday party,she said she never received one. Just the giver. I realized I never got one either. Sometimes I wonder.. maybe I wasnt such a good friend? It makes me think. Am I never going to have people like that in my life?

I better go. Bye bye.

Sleepy.

I once heard a beautiful sound from the music room,

A unity of voices singing cheerfully,

A happy song,they were singing,

But still it sounded sad to me.

So I stayed around for the music,

Closing my eyes as I breathe it in,

The people walking pass doesnt even notice,

How beautiful it is to me that happiness still exist.

Thoughts start to cloud my head,

And I lost interest in all of it,

As I walk away passing the music room,

Looking inside..

I realize that happiness is what you make of it.

Self Inflicted.

Im chasing after something that I am not even sure if it's the best thing for me. 

I realize that whatever happens to me has this tag that says "I happen for a reason." I sometimes just want to rip it to pieces so that it wouldnt remind me of my mistakes and regrets. I am hard to deal with,sometimes. I sometimes dont even want to deal with myself,so I shut it all away and avoid thinking about it. Until it's too late. I am spontaneous. I am someone who doesnt plan ahead and I am the kind of person who runs into the airport and misses the plane. I eat my food in a gulp as if it's my last meal. I am also the person who avoid the hunger pang just because I feel disgusted with myself. I forgot about the most important things at the most important time. I look back and sigh. All those years behind me.. were they just a waste of time and a disappointment?

I walk on those memories that left me this gaping wound. Would I die if emotional wounds are as real as physical wounds? Would it even matter?

It's been years since there were red scars on my wrist. I start to wonder. Did it really made it go away? What I felt. The tears. The hurt. And the frustration of it all. Did it went away when the blade cuts through my skin. I wonder.. I cant remember what it felt like. Did I even felt anything? The scars remind me of how young I was. How naive I was to the world. 

I am on a journey to self discovery. Who I was,who I am and who I will be. Everyone evolves. It's just human nature. But I dont think the heart of a person changes.. It makes us who we are. 

i walk on a thin line.

I know I might not be the nicest person. Or the brightest. Or the one who can make everyone around her smile. I know I am not alot of things. I also know that the 'alot of things' that I lack,makes me more flawed than ever. Admitting you're defeated might be easy for some people who are more passive towards life. Admitting I am defeated is sometimes out of the question for me. Why start if you dont even think that you could win? I am highly competitive,but only in things that I'm sure that I'm good at. Finally realizing that life wont give you apples and instead give you lemons,when you wanted an apple.. Makes me think.. Life is a bitch. No matter how far you run. Or how deep you swim into the ocean. Nothing is ever enough. You have to run further! Swim deeper! Going after what I want.. is like chasing my own shadow. Being who I am,doesnt help making things easier. Inconsistent! Fickle minded! Paranoid! Unconfident! Sometimes I wonder.. How the hell did I survive all these years.

I keep on thinking.. Every cloud has a silver lining. Being optimistic is harder than I thought. Smiling when I wish I died.. Is something that I just did. 

.fly aqi,fly.

I wish I can fly,
So that I can soar through the sky,
And all my worries and woes left behind,
So that I can feel more alive.

*drawing picture of myself flying*

.thin drama.

This is also not breaking news. And it sure is not new.

I need to lose weight. I need to be thin!

So I have a few ideas running through my head.

Working my ass off
I can workout every single day. Run a few miles. Jog around every evening for an hour or so. Do sit ups everyday. Push ups. You name it. Climb a mountain for all its worth. The thing is,im not really an athlete. I have low stamina. I cant stand the heat. I get dizzy if I run nonstop. So I tend to stop alot. The only good thing is how it makes me feel after the workout. The feeling of lightness. The feeling of freshness. It's nice. I tend to build muscles if I work out. I dont really like it,but it makes me stronger so that's nice.

Dieting
Eat veggies. More lean meat. Eat less oily food. No fast food. More fruits. Less carbs. More greentea. More fluid. Dieting is like a routine. You take note of what you eat,and you stick to your plan. That's the problem. I dont do well with routine. Im not consistent. I'd like to try a diet that would actually work,but I just dont see it.

Starve?
Don't eat at all. Just drink all day long. Chew gum or something. Think of something else when you're hungry or go to sleep. This is considered anorexic. I guess. :P Some say I used to be one. I dont think I was. But I used to do this when I was 15. I still think I was not that thin. Really! I was not. Hmm. *thinking* This is sort of hard to pull off now that I'm constantly at home,where my parents are always around. So I cant really tell them I've eaten when it's obvious I havent. I'll think of something.

Throw up?
Being bulimic? Haha. Ok. I hate vomit. So this is out of the question.

Take drugs?
No way. Although I think this is the quickest. Be a cokehead and you'll look like Kate Moss. But I'll pass. I dont want to be an addict. I dont want to melt my brain and fry my brain.

Agh. I need to lose about 14 pounds.

FAST.