Friday, February 10, 2012

New ; Old ; Canvas of feelings

I know, I know. I still haven't been posting. I've been really busy, and again, I am sorry. Some have been asking for new posts, and I said I would write soon. I hope this will keep you company. This is an old post from an old blog, but I thought of posting it here -- today. Mind you, this is at least a few years old. I promise I'll post a new one soon! Until then, enjoy!

If feelings can be captured in a photograph. Or painted on a blank canvas. Wouldn’t it be easier? Or would it just be embarrassing? I tried to figure out how someone can change. Can leave something behind. Something that once made them who they are. Made them complete. It's hard to picture being lost in a world without love. Or guidance. Or is it we only need life and our five senses to make it through the day. It's somehow a puzzle to me. How something so familiar can turn into something so unfamiliar. How can you love today. And not the next day. How can you say that you are in love and then just say I’m not anymore in a matter of hours, minutes, seconds. Someone asked me "Do you believe in love?" It got me thinking. Do I believe in it? I could just barely answer. "If believing in my family means that I believe in love. Then yes."  --  "I believe in my friends. So if believing in them makes me believe in love. Then yes."  It's all too simple and too matter-of-fact, but it makes sense to me. Maybe it wont to you. But it does to me. If someone tells me I think too much about these things. Then I’d say, yes I do. And there's nothing wrong with it. I’m simply just figuring out if the saying that 'love makes the world go round' is true. If you believe in it too much. It'll poison you. It will tell you to do things that you normally wouldn’t do. Stupid things. Denial. Embrace it when it's in front of you. That feeling. Let it seep into you. But walk away when it's holding a spoonful of rat's poison in front of your face. Walk away. Just walk away, love.

Why do people want to change. For the better. Or for worse. Can they change? How much guilt would you carry if changing hurt other people around you? Will there be any chance of redeeming yourself.. I never thought about it much. About being someone else when you're not. At the end of the day. You are who you are. And even if you had a face lift. Botox inserted into your lips. Contact lenses. Liposuction. Nose job and some boob job, maybe. You are STILL who you are. But growing up. Will that change you? You were this smart-ass kid living your life. Doing things that you're not proud of but you do it anyway because the years are still long. You hang out with your smart-ass friends getting high, drunk and smoked. Fast-forward 3 years ahead. You're suddenly this college kid. You're stuck doing home works instead of doing weeds. Or is it fast forward till you're in your late 20s. You're married with a kid and a husband that can’t find time to come home from work. The point is. You grow up. There's no point in remembering the past. That's you growing up. Trying to find a place in the world. Trying to find answers and eventually stumble onto a path that’ll lead you somewhere. Somewhere. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter.

So do I think people can change? Only a bit, I think. Not everything. You can never change everything, but being in denial about your changes. That makes it more complicated. Like you feel you're toxic to people around you. That's a problem. You push people away. You think that everything is about you. People are saying things about you when they're not even thinking about you. You feel angry and sad. You kick and scream. You push all the drugs that you can find into your bloodstream -- waiting for it to be absorbed -- waiting for it to do its job -- but the end of the day? Another day just passed with you drifting by unnoticed. Is that really what you want?

These feelings inside of you, they are there for reasons we do not know. But they are there because they are meant to be there. The feeling of happiness when you achieve something -- the feeling of sadness when you lose something -- the feeling of anger when something is wronged -- the feeling of determination when you strive for something -- the feeling of completeness when you discover a part of you that you've been searching for? All these things, they are there for a reason. Some people say these things are a sign of weakness. Some people say it's a blessing. You be the judge.

Until the next one.

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